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Written in 1999 (revised in December 2004) by Cesar Plata, Founder, www.muybueno.net, 408 272-4772
Friendships & Love: 300 Point Filter Theory
Following is an essay written to provoke thought and discussion regarding selecting potential friends and especially that special someone. It may help you save time and emotions, and help you avoid getting into unhealthy relationships (filter people in and out of your life). The following theory and concepts are based on personal experiences, conversations with many people, and spending time thinking about what I believe is one of the most important decisions in one's life - deciding whether or not someone you meet could potentially become that special someone - one's girlfriend/boyfriend and eventually one's wife or husband. I do not claim to be a relationship expert, I am far from it. The following theory best works for people at an age ready and willing to contemplate being in a serious relationship. Also, it may be helpful in selecting friends. I have shared the following with many people and not everyone has agreed with me. Likewise, it has helped many people analyze their current and past relationships. I suggest that you simply read and think about the following - it may hopefully encourage you and your friends to engage in lively conversations.
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Most of us know people who are or have been in unhealthy long-term relationships or marriages. Do you know someone who seems to be dating their partner for the wrong reasons? The definition of 'wrong reasons' is relative, of course. Do you know someone in a relationship who 'likes' his or her partner but is not 'attracted' to him or her? Conversely, do you know someone who is attracted, but is not compatible with his or her partner? Have you seen couples that seem to 'exist' but not 'live?' Does it make logical sense that some couples stay together as if there was no one else in the world to be with? It seems like people sometimes try to fit a round peg in a square hole - it does not work!
How would you feel if you found out that your partner liked you mostly or only for your personality, profession, belongings, family, etc., but was not attracted to you? Conversely, have you been in a relationship where you simply did not get along, but you were sexually attracted to each other? Have you dated people 'temporarily', while knowing that it most probably would not work out? Did your partner feel the same about you, like you felt about him or her? Have you dated people you were not attracted to when you first saw them, but found yourself becoming attracted to them after you got to know them better? Likewise, have people walked in front of you (at a dance, for example) and you did not notice them, only to eventually meet and date them later? How flattering is it when someone tells their partner that they were not attracted to him or her when they first met, but they eventually learned to love them as time passed?
Have you ever noticed when one person in a couple 'sneeks a peak' and checks out someone else? Although it is natural to look at attractive women or men, even while being in a relationship, it is wrong when it seems like they are 'looking for someone else, probably someone better.'
Such situations are sad because it makes you wonder why people are with their partners; the honorable thing would be to leave the relationship and then make yourself available to meet that someone special. It is not right to 'lead someone else on'; it is deceptive, time-consuming, and hurtful. I believe that 'mentally cheating' is almost as bad as physically dating outside a relationship. I have had discussions with people who seem willing to compromise their personal values and standards by dating the 'wrong person' or hanging out with people who are not 'friends' simply to avoid being alone. Some couples seem to compensate attraction for compatibility, and vice-versa. Some people have dated their partners for months or even years, although deep inside they knew or felt that their relationship would not work out. We only live once, and life is too short to spend it with someone you are not attracted to AND compatible with. Each of us deserves the best; please do not settle for anything less. Have you ever seen older couples that act like teenagers in love? Wouldn't you like to be in a similar relationship throughout the rest of your life? Also, one's dating years, and especially a woman's child-bearing years, are limited. I believe that one must be selective with who one selects as one's friends, and especially with who one dates seriously. It seems like many people probably spend more time and energy shopping for clothes than they do thinking about (or talking about) what they really want and deserve in a relationship. Thus, I have compiled these questions and thoughts to help others figure out what may be best for ourselves in terms of relationships.
Following are a few of my personal definitions that may help you understand the following theory and concepts.SPARK - I believe this is extremely important. The spark, that ONE PERCENT, that either exists or does not when two people meet, can make or break a budding relationship. I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight - and it MUST be mutual! Imagine or remember when you noticed that special someone from across a crowded room, as if no one else existed, and he or she noticed you. It is a beautiful feeling - something to treasure and build on.ATTRACTION - Attraction is not just a visual or physical thing. It's about being attracted to another's 'energy'. For example-walk into a crowded room and pay attention to whom you find yourself attracted to. Ask yourself why you find that person attractive, out of everyone in the crowded room. Note there is a major difference between attractive 'good-looking' people and those one finds attractive. All that matters is that you find each other attractive, regardless what others may say or think. Have you seen very good-looking people that do not seem approachable or friendly, thus making them, in effect, unattractive. Likewise, have you seen or met people that might not be very good-looking in many people's eyes, but seem to light up a room when they enter it? People do not have their personalities stamped on their foreheads, but you can usually figure out and decide whether you would like to meet that person or not, without meeting that person. Follow your gut instincts and you may realize how insightful you really are! FRIEND - Many people use this term loosely to even describe someone they just met. I like to treat this word in the same high respects as the words love and hate. A friend is someone you have developed a past, a present, and a future - someone who knows you, cares about you, and has been and will be there for you in the future.
COMPATIBILITY - One may be friendly with everyone, but this does not mean one can get along with everyone! Some personalities 'click' better than others. There is a MAJOR difference between just getting along with someone and looking forward to spending as much time as possible with that special someone. One must attempt to determine how compatible one is with another, based on the following characteristics/components. For a successful relationship, I believe ALL of the following characteristics/questions should be considered.
For lack of a better system, I categorized the 2 most important factors numerically: Attraction and Compatibility, to help one decide whether a relationship may have a chance to succeed/be healthy.Imagine that you are on the beach and potential suitors are walking by. Now, you must score them, as if they were in a swimsuit competition. The following questions and explanations may help you think about developing standards for yourself, if you have not done so already. Please answer the following questions before continuing with the score below.Question 1 (Q1): Out of 300 points, what is your cut-off point for accepting to date someone seriously? Please note that I did not ask about a perfect person (which does not exist). I suggest you include a 'fudge factor' to compensate for differences in every relationship. Also, ask yourself how you would feel if your partner 'scored' you lower than you expected or deserved? Note: Some people have told me their cut-off score for considering someone as a potential husband or wife is about 2000 out of 300. Then I asked them how they would feel if their partner scored them with a similar 'low' value, and they immediately responded by saying they would be insulted. Remember, please do not ask of others that you would not ask of yourself! Remember this score = Q1.Question 2 (Q2): Out of the first 100 points, what is your cut-off point OR how important is the initial attraction or 'mutual spark' between you and your potential mate, as described above, to you? Remember this score = Q2.Question 3 (Q3): Out of the second 100 points, what is your cut-off point OR how important is the compatibility between you and your potential mate, as described above, to you? My theory is that one should be able to figure out by the 3rd date latest, whether one 'clicks' with the other person or not, to a high degree. For example, usually people are nervous and say dumb things on their first date. By the second date, people are usually more relaxed and begin to communicate at a deeper level. By the third date, you should be able to figure out if you get along or not, and how compatible you are with each other. Remember this score = Q3.
Question 4 (Q4): Out of the third 100 points, what is your cut-off point OR how important is the sexual compatibility between you and your potential mate, as described above, to you? Note - sometimes people may be attracted to each other, and get along very well, and then do not 'connect' sexually. Although people may not talk about this freely, I believe a strong sexual relationship is key to any couple. Bad sex or no sex can ruin a relationship/marriage!
Scores: Q1 = A; Q2 + Q3 + Q4 = B.
Ideally, A should equal B. Score B is your actual score for Question 1. How close or far off is score B from score A?
If B is very different from A, you may want to reconsider your standards for selecting a potential partner/mate.
As mentioned earlier, some people sometimes compensate attraction for compatibility, or vice-versa. Most of us are guilty of doing so in previous relationships. I believe these factors should be scored equally - one factor does not outweigh or compensate for the others. Having much attraction for your partner is great, but if you are not compatible, the chances that your relationship will fail may be high. Likewise, a relationship with much compatibility but not enough attraction may not survive either. Recommendation - set and maintain high STANDARDS for yourself, and good things will eventually happen. Others say there is someone out there for everyone, and patience is a virtue.I have met many people who seem to compromise their standards and values by 'settling' with people who they might not be really attracted to but meet their basic 'criteria' including intelligence, education, career, etc. I disagree with people that say the attraction between a couple eventually dies. Does the love in a good relationship die? Of course not! The attraction, as well as the compatibility should evolve and grow, just like a good wine. Let's face it, sometimes, depending on the location, it is very difficult to meet people that meet your basic criteria. It is even harder to meet people that meet these critieria AND are attracted to you/and you to them. I tell my buddies that I can introduce them to many intelligent, educated, fun, and attractive people (good catches) but this does not mean that they will be attracted to them. Please remember - do not try to make a round peg fit into a square hole - it will not work!
Maybe by following the following steps, you might be able to 'filter' people in or out of your life. It is very important to be selective with who you hang out with, and even more so with who you date seriously. This might help you save time and emotional stress by avoiding starting a relationship doomed for failure. Also, you could use the following theory to regress back to previous relationships. You might realize that had you 'filtered' a previous partner, you might have decided to either not start OR to start a relationship. Please note; there are exceptions to every rule, and every relationship will not always meet these 'black and white' criteria. Every potential relationship should be valued by its own merits. 1. When you see and/or meet someone, ask yourself if you find yourself attracted to him or her. Follow your gut instinct and your first response - score your attraction towards the other person, out of 100 points. Next, try to figure out if the feeling is mutual. Attraction MUST be mutual for a relationship to eventually work. 2. If your attraction for the other person meets or exceeds your cut-off point, out of 100 points, then go ahead and meet that person. If the score is very close to your cut-off point, you might consider trying to get to know the other person and giving him or her the benefit of the doubt. If the score is below your cut-off point, do yourself and the other person a favor - please do not lead them on by going out with them and giving them hopes that they have a chance of dating you. Developing a friendship, and/or having a fly-by-night relationship is a separate issue, and does not fit into this equation. This theory is for 'filtering' people one might consider to date seriously (leading hopefully to marriage.)3. Next, if you are fortunate to meet and date the person you are attracted to, ask yourself if you are compatible with him or her. Give yourself 3 dates. It is very important to figure out if the attraction is mutual - this can be difficult especially when people hide their feelings or play typical dating games. If you feel that you are not only VERY attracted to each other, but you are also VERY compatible, you most probably have a potential winning relationship! Everything after that are simply DETAILS. It may or may not work out, but at least you now know that you have a strong foundation to work from. If you find yourself struggling to maintain conversations, and/or you differ on many issues, please take this as a major HINT: you are most probably NOT COMPATIBLE. Move on. With time, you will eventually meet someone who you are attracted to AND are compatible with. Your future happiness and health will depend on this.4. Assuming you and your partner are attracted to and compatible with each other, eventually you may engage in a sexual relationship. Although it could take time to understand and feel each other's 'groove', I believe the sexual factor is crucial for a healthy relationship. Not connecting in bed will affect all other aspects of a relationship. A bad sexual relationship may manifest itself by your own body (or inner consciousness). Your body may be telling you something about your feelings toward your partner. Likewise, it is a beautiful thing when you truly connect with your partner - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically!I hope this provides some food for thought and encourages lively conversation. Your comments and suggestions are appreciated. Have a good day, and a good relationship too. Best wishes and happy hunting!
A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love; therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears. A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future. A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played with. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love. (Author unknown)
Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Fail With Women And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid Every One Of These Deadly Common Mistakes...
An interesting article received by email by Michael Deangelo, Free Dating Tips Newsletter And Download eBook
MISTAKE #1: Being Too Much Of A Nice Guy
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted "nice" guys? Of course you have. Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU. What's going on here? It's actually very simple... Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them. And guess what? Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION. And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you. I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT. Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.
MISTAKE #2: Trying To Convince Her To Like You
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just notinterested? Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently. Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION! Never, ever, EVER. You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning". Think about it. If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her? But we all do it. When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind. Bad idea. One that will never work.
MISTAKE #3: Looking To Her For Approval Or Permission
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission". Another HORRIBLE idea. Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER. Don't get me wrong here. You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you. But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again. You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval. Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...
MISTAKE #4: Trying To Buy Her Affection With Food And Gifts
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did? If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT. Well guess what? It's only NATURAL when this happens... That's right, I said NATURAL. When you do these things, you send a clear message: "I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection". Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.
MISTAKE #5: Sharing How You Feel Too Early In The Relationship With Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on. Attractive women are rare. And they get a LOT of attention from men. Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE TIME. An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month. And guess what? Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men. That's right. They have EXPERIENCE. They know what to expect. And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates. This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves. Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way...
MISTAKE #6: Not Getting How Attraction Works For Women
Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION. You need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction. But does the same apply for women? Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on? Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks. Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around? Think about it. Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone. If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you thatYOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman. But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY guy can learn how...
MISTAKE #7: Thinking That It Takes Money And Looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age. And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things. But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks. There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet... And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys. YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome. Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
MISTAKE #8: Giving Away All Of Your Power To Women
Earlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission. Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women. Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants. Another bad idea... Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!
MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing EXACTLY What To Do In Each Type Of Situation With Women
Now I'm going to blow your mind... A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking. Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES. I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it. And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help! And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating... Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything. If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING. And you KNOW it. It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.
MISTAKE #10: Not Getting HELP
This is the biggest mistake of all. This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want. I know, guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help.
1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
This applies both men and women.
If a Man Wants You... This REALLY will make you think.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get
better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Summary: Wearing a bra, 24 hours a day or "all" the time, can increase your chance of b r e a s t cancer by up to 75%. Try your best not to wear your bra all the time. At the very least, don't wear them to bed.
There have been many studies showing that women who wear bras all the time, even to bed, are 125 times MORE LIKELY to develop breast cancer than a woman who has never worn one. The 24-hour bra wearers face a horrendous 75% chance of contracting b r e a s t cancer . In fact, a book entitled "Dressed to Kill" by Sydney Ross Singer and Soma Grismaijer talks all about this subject in great detail.
But Wait, Don't Burn Your Bra Just Yet ... Anyone who knows me, even just a little, knows that I am NOT about "extremes" of any kind - money, food, exercise, work, etc., etc. So, just as many medical studies have flaws, so does this one.
In VERY simple terms ... women who wear bras "all the time", tend to usually have bigger than average b r e a s t s. Bigger b r e a s t s are usually due to higher estrogen levels. And, higher estrogen tends to trigger cancer more often - especially in the b r e a s t s. Now, that's just ONE flaw of many with this study.
BUT, please note that it is NOT a good idea to wear your bra ALL the time, as it WILL increase your rate of b r e a s t cancer (just not as much as this study or as the book claims) . At the very least, don't wear them to bed . Find a happy medium ... The less often you can wear them, the better. Reference: · Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS) News 2002; 58(11) · "Dressed to Kill" by Sydney Ross Singer and Soma Grismaijer
Warmest Regards, Sam Robbins, Founder - Rx Research Group, Inc. http://www.rxemailsupport.com/rd/?home